Aired July 12, 2017
No warning of this happening in real time, no one commenting that this is 6 weeks ago… Why ?… Because it’s another sham of an episode called the ‘Lost’ episode. We are all taken hostage again by Discovery’s false premise of a ‘New Season Of Alaskan Bush People’, and shown more bogus lies of a family trying to live in the wild… Please excuse me while I throw up my lunch.
Now that that is done, let’s get on to the first bit of insanity. Noah is back in Alaska (didn’t he leave last week?), putting down bones wrapped in red ribbon, or something, to detox the bear population’s ‘Fairy Circles’. I usually don’t swear on these recaps, but what in the fuckindoodle is this nonsense ?!?! What brand of drugs is this guy partaking in ? Fairy Circles ? He says once he puts the bone and ribbon down, he is OK to cross the ‘Circle’ path. Uh-huh… I’m going to write the bears and ask for the ‘Fairy Circle’ recipe, and put it around my house to keep these freaks and crazies away from me. And if I ever see a bone with red ribbon on it, I will arm myself to the teeth and shoot anything that remotely looks like a Brown.
Before we see the ‘lost’ episode we are once again reminded that this is the most difficult time in the Brown family’s life. Do they ever not have a most difficult time ? Believe me, we have heard that at least 100 times in the last few years.
OK, on with the ‘lost’ script, badly written, poorly acted, totally unbelievable wreck of a show that Discovery has ever put on the air.
But first… OMG, do they ever stop ? We are shown Bear supposedly facing down a bear, and he turns to the camera (while the poor bear is waking up from his tranquilizer shot) to tell us the bear can smell him !!! I’ll bet he does !!! Stay tuned !!! We might actually show you what happens, or not…
Now on with the show… 4 years ago, a desperate, poor, backwoods, bunch of jerks and illiterates are living on a boat in Alaska. The head bum, Billy, blows a shotgun in the air to wake the feeble minded kids to get to work. Work being headed to shore to watch Gabe wash the clothes and then to eat crabs for breakfast. The only one that is doing anything is Gabe, the rest sit around the fire the camera crew built and tease Gabe to work faster.
Out of the blue, Billy says he needs a ride to town to meet ‘someone’ to pan for gold, who will give me a ride ? Unbelievable factor #1 – why not get your sorry ass off the tree stump and haul your own crazy self into town… What a lazy idiot. The boys all volunteer to take Pop into town because it’s cruise ship season with all the tourist girls !!! Off they head in the big boat to chase gold and skirt. Unbelievable factor #2- and Billy and the boys just leave Ami and 2 small girls alone for hours to fend for themselves on this Alaskan lake shoreline, no cabin yet, no Browntown yet.
In town Billy tells the simple minded chumps to check the fluids, check the belts and be careful, and the boys dutifully ignore him and take to town to hassle the tourist teens and preteens.
First, let’s meet ‘Cowboy’, the local who was paid to act like a looney and pretend to be Billy’s friend for a couple hours. He has to tell us in laughable detail how the dentist was going to make him wait to pull his teeth and “By God I’ll pull them myself”, so he did… Thank the good Lord and Baby Jesus he didn’t take the teeth out of his filthy Oshgosh overalls to show us…
Meanwhile the thoroughly inadequate miscreants wander town souvenir shops, trying to hustle the paid extras hired by Discovery to pose as female tourists on a nonexistent cruise ship docked nowhere to be seen. Noah and his magic act quickly becomes the ongoing joke for the rest of that girl’s life that he was trying to impress. Bear tries hard to get another paid extra to date him, and after 19 times of her saying no, he finally crawls back under his rock.
Before we go to commercial, we see Cowboy and Billy hiking through a state park path trying to look all strained out and shit, when the old geezer Cowboy says, “You got to hike a little ways to find my honey hole”. Right there is when I would have dropped my shovel and pan, and ran back to the boat as fast as I could. Billy says Cowboy (or now ‘Dean’ as he is now calling him, WTF ?) is crazy, but ‘good’ crazy.
After the commercial break, the boys are heading back to the boat completely emasculated, after asking complete strangers to accompany them back to the island with them. Unbelievable factor #3- what island ? This takes place supposedly before they ever saw the island where they built Browncult, but maybe they did park on an island before they headed to town to terrorize the women. I am just wondering how many 911 calls were made that day complaining about hillbilly scum bothering the tourists. BUT WAIT !!! Where in dad gum tarnation is Matt ? Attacked by a bear ? Arrested for assault ? Passed out at the cruise ship bar ? Nope, trying to impress some paid extra with his knowledge of polka dots, and his mastery of juggling. He asks for her number and… and… and… gets it!!! YES !!! BIG MAC DADDY SCORES !!! OK, 10 to 1 he gets on the phone and dials that number, and it is the local slaughterhouse in Farmington, Iowa, and they ain’t never been on no cruise, no where, ever… I will cover all bets folks…
Back to Billy and Crazy/Cowboy/Dean in someones’s backyard pretending to look for gold, and 5 minutes in, Billy is done, time to head back to town for a beer and a smoke and toke. Prime example of Billy doing nothing. I bet he walked 20 paces to his private limo parked behind the shrubs and let Crazy/Cowboy/Dean haul his own ass back to his truck parked a half mile up the hi way.
Back on the boat, the boys are heading up/down river to scout some deer the producers have chained up somewhere, when all hell breaks loose. Noah can’t seem to get the steering to work and upon 30 seconds of investigation discovers it is a broken ‘Ram’, which Noah starts to tell us what it is, and of course no one cares. Matt tells Gabe to “Get your jacket” (which if Matt looked a little harder through his gin soaked eyeballs, he would see that Gabe already has his jacket on), “We are goin’ to town to get the part we need to fix the boat”. The narrator explains how the boat is in grave danger of running up against some invisible rocks in the middle of the lake, while Matt and Gabe scramble into town, find the part in 5 seconds and hurry back and Noah fixes the boat in time to pick up the laziest person in the universe.
Back in the outskirts of their favorite lodge, Ami and the girls have fixed some deer meat the producers brought out of the freezer to cook. While they scarf that down, the boys now tell the old man about the repairs on the boat, and how they looked death in the eye. Unbelievable factor #4- the boys waited till they got back to the campfire, after they ate, to tell Billy about the repairs. They didn’t mention it while sailing back from the gold dig/girl stalking expedition ??? What did they talk about ? Dreams of a home in the bush ?
Finally, back to the present and California and the 80th scene of poor Ami in bed with her rose and blanky. Billy tells again for the 589,064th time how they must now move somewhere close to a hospital. And then…
BACK TO THE FRIGGIN BOAT IN ALSAKA !!!… Searching for new home… and then the talk turns to Rain wanting a dog and making idiot faces the producers worked all week on to get her to do, to plead with Ma and Pa to get a pet dog for the show. They show us a photo of some orphan, next to a dog that they claim was theirs a long time ago named Brauner…
Before we can resolve that concern, the most Unbelievable Factor #5 works its way into the storyline. The boys need jobs to raise money, to date girls, to impress them, and then marry them, and make granbabies for nutbag Ami and her shrill screaming every night for GRANBABIES !!! For some reason, even though all the boys talked about jobs, only Gabe and Matt go to town to work 10 minutes in a cannery before they quit. Way to go guys, we were impressed… Not !!!
Billy is on mission to secure a dog for Rain at all cost and tells us sincerely, no less, that he heard about ‘someone’ who has a dog to give away. And pray tell, who in the hell told him ? I thought they lived wild in the bush cut off from civilization… But hey, now Billy is flying in a plane 80 miles to get a dog. And the paid extras at the floating shack that they have never set foot in once, gladly follow script and hand over the pure bred $1000 dog that they pretend is theirs.
In a teaser scene, we see Bear on top of their 2017, $170,000 Brand New RV trying to fry eggs in the sun cause IT IS SO DAMN HOT IN THE LOWER 48…. Yea, 80º is a real killer…
Billy now tears back to the plane with the dog in an obviously stolen boat, and makes the plane just in time to fly back to Rain with her new pet, that will stay at the kennel when they are not on site filming. Everybody is all oohs and aahs, while Rain gives the embarrassed puppy the new name of Mr. Cupcake.
Hey Mr. Cupcake, welcome to your new private nightmare…😱