‘Weight Of The Wolfpack’ – Whatever in the hell that means… July 19,2017


   The usual introductions, “While the outside world pushes back” (what does that even mean ?). Back to the “Happening In Real Time”, “8 Weeks Ago” storyline. At least it is not the ‘flashback’, ‘lost episode’ craziness that has been the prevailing theme so far this season. Moving on…

     Matt is all alone at the cult site, and now the whole scene is set by Matt warning us to watch for bears, big bears, dangerous bears, bears everywhere, everywhere. Except for the small detail that we don’t see any. But we will come back to the horrible, giant, black, grizzly, polar, panda bears throughout the next hour on this show. I think they actually surpassed saying ‘bears’ in this one episode.

     So Matt has so much to do and so little time to do it, so let’s watch as he throws knives at a tree, in a business suit, then walk the beach with his hands in his business suit pockets. Watch as the tears of loneliness and shame, trickle down on his business suit. OK, what is with the suit ? Talks more about the invisible bears ready to attack, and then off to California to watch the incredible idiots of SoCal act crazy… And… ACTION !!!

     Bear complains about the extreme, horrible, agonizing 82º steamy weather and finally, FINALLY, does something about it. He announces that he is going to make extreme shorts !!! So he gets out his rusty lawnmower blade, and cuts off the bottom of the jeans he has wore for the last 6 months. Then he rolls around like a meth addict in extreme hallucination mode, and then finally goes to the neighbors extreme faucet, and pours extreme filthy water on his extreme head. 

     Back in Alaska, Matt is still tossing knives, changed out of the suit, still talking about all the work to do (but not doing anything at all), and then our favorite paid extra shows up ! It’s KENNY !!! Now it’s time to get to work, Kenny, wink wink. Kenny gets his complete junkyard back as he hauls one load after another to his boat as Matt keeps an eye out for the marauding, terrifying bears. Matt and Kenny reminisce a little, and all of the sudden Matt has the same dirty smears on his face from 3 episodes ago. WTF ? I mean, exactly the same smears of dirt on the right side of his face. 

     Back in California, the locals have run for their lives as Bear, Snowball and Rainyday go shopping for mom at a local thrift shop(?), hippie house(?), abandoned shack(?) and try on glasses and are completely amazed at the short shorts on display. Asa the narrator tells us they are in ‘unfamiliar landscape’. I like that, makes no sense and roles off the tongue quite well… Bear shows how to extreme shop at the bottom of the trunk full of discarded rags ( and who out there was hoping a big spider nest was at the bottom of that trunk, I know I was ! hahaha). Bear says you can give mom a rock, or a shell, and she will be happy, this was the only obvious truth from tonight’s episode that I believed… They all end up picking out a worthless, threadbare, cheap, tapestry that has a monstrous moose on it to give to mom. Wow, lucky mom…

     In Alaska, Matt tells how every night he lives in a panic, fearing the yet as not seen bears, that haunt his tiny, miserable mind. He tells Kenny (who has not escaped yet) that at 10 PM the DT’s kick in and a he gets all worked up. Hey buddy, nothing a good shot and doobie won’t cure, turn on ‘Game of Thrones’ and load the bong, ya dopey, ignorant, crazy talking’ moron ! Anyway, Kenny moans on for the camera, starts crying (he just realized this is his last appearance, and the checks stop), “bye Matt, if ya gotta go, ya gotta go”, “if it’s goodbye, it’s goodbye”. Yea, he really said that and then he is gone… So what to do now, pack clothes ? Make plans ? Tear down Browncult ? Nope… Sit around the fire and talk about…wait for it… yeah, bears… Geez, this kid needed to stay in rehab about another 6 weeks. 

     Set the scene. We have been waiting for it all month. Dark, foggy, night. Ominous music. Matt all alone with his deep thoughts. Bears on the loose screaming, “MATT ! WE’RE COMING FOR YOU  !”   KABOOOOOOOOOM !!!!!!!! 

     Somehow, the local EMT’s in Hoonah get the word that there has been an explosion at the crazy Brown’s place in the wilderness, where the Brown family is so ‘cut off from everything’. Wait a minute now, I think the film crew called 911 on one of their 20 different cell phones and watched (and probably laughed) as the chowderhead ran screaming out of the house yelling “BEARS !!!! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE !!!”. Well, I for one thought the previews were better. The pros patch him up, steal his bottle of JD, and send him to the psychiatric ward in Juneau. Will he ever play the piano again ???

     4 days later, back in California where it never gets below a horrid 82º, the trifecta of stupidness (Bear, Snow and Rain) get ready to head for the great north and rescue Browndump from the extreme, scary bears. OK, I hate to make fun of sick people, but we finally get to see Ami’s first scene in tonight’s show, and she kinda waves her hand like a brain damaged 3 year old, and says (real wobbly sort of), “More”. Man, that was just sad, I would have called for a second, or third take on that shot. Please hire a new director, or get an assistant director to help weed those scenes out.  

     Bear and the women pirates are on their way to Brownghetto and you know this is going to be extreme extremeness in an extremely extreme way (try saying that 3 times fast). They arrive in a skiff and land on the beach like the boys back on D-Day and you just gotta ask the obvious – where in the effing hell did they get that skiff, and where in the hell did they get the money to travel to Alaska ? We will never know as it is never explained. Anyhow, the big announcement of the day is to do work, work. and more work !!!! So let’s first rip off the bright red Michael Jackson leather jacket from the 80’s and … run around through the forest falling down and howling like a complete loon on belladonna extract.

     But wait! BEARS ! EVERYWHERE ! “Snowflake, look in that tent and see if there is a bear “. For the 50th time we are reminded that there are bears in Alaska. Start a fire, and even though Bear actually says ‘there is a ton of things to do’, they do nothing instead. So after much deliberation, the decision (of all things) is to take the turbine that doesn’t even work, down and haul it to their new home. What new home ? Bear gets all energized and is running amok, as the girls watch and wonder if he will ever come down from the peyote he has eaten for dinner. 

    In SoCal, it is time for the staged doctor/clinic visit and on the way Ami says she will try to ignore all the vehicles. That’s it, her only friggin’ line. Man, they need to hire some new writers (yes, I am available at union rates for the next 6 months, medical insurance, 3 weeks paid vacation, holidays off and a company car). Billy starts his usual yammering about himself and he gets cut off to show the triangle of jerks in Alaska trying to deal with…

     You thought I was going to say the turbine didn’t you ? Bear has his Jackson jacket back on, as he is on the lookout for bears, while the twin imbeciles spread seaweed all over their faces in an attempt to teach us south 48 yokels a lesson on ‘living’ in the wild’. Uh- huh, I learned a lesson girls, and it ain’t near what you think it is… BEAR HAS A REAL BEAR SPOTTED !!!!  OK, it is a trained, clawless, toothless, drugged out bear that the producers rent out every time they need the ‘terrifying bear’ scene, but it is a bear !!! We watch as he roams around, trying to find the Purina-Bear-Chow the handlers have laid on the ground, while the idiot creep acts like he is in a showdown with a wild animal. The bear stands up !!! He wants to know if the person over there has any more Purina-Bear-Chow he can have…   Cut to commercial as we wait in agony to see if the bear will tear Bear to shreds !!! ( And wouldn’t that have made everyone’s day if that bear had suddenly charged Bear and we watched as he ran for his life to suddenly be clawed to death ?). Sweet dreams at night …

    Back from commercial and a drone shot over the bay, we see a 50 foot yacht in the Browntown bay… Where did that come from ??? Oh well… After the big buildup of nonsense about the bear, he hears his trainer calling him with a promise of a Hershey Bar with Almonds, and saunters off the scene. Bear problem solved.

   Back at the Hotel California, cue the doomsday music, stand the old bag up, make her stumble through her scene and then pronounce Stage 3b lung cancer…3b, I actually looked it up, it is real… 12 weeks of filming a 98 pound woman going through the absolute hell of radiation and chemo… Aren’t we lucky. Some ‘professional’ turns up just as the camera gets turned on to say 5 words before she asks if they want the camera off, the camera goes all wiggly and that is the end of that…

     In Alaska for the final scene, the trio of dim wits take on a job best left to anyone else, and totally screw it up. The turbine ( which Bear calls invaluable, and I call worth about $5 in scrap) comes flying down, crashing on the ground and then they have the audacity to call it a success. I call it a mess of junk on a beach in Alaska…

   And in the most insane part of this complete wreck of a show, Snowstorm comes out of the shed with a few sticks of butter to challenge the others to a butter eating contest or something. And then they sit there and munch down on butter sticks. Well, OK… Still not getting much done. And where did that butter … oh never mind….

     Matt pulls into California, and the only one who seems to give a hoot is Bam. Matt sits and mumbles something unintelligible about forgetting everything about his extremely embarrassing time in Alaska. Good call Matt…

…….More … or less

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4 thoughts on “Episode #5 ‘Weight Of The Wolfpack”

  1. Great recap man. Funny shit. 😂 😂
    So lemme get this straight; Matt has apparently amassed 197 car tires! Most people carry two at a time, so that must have taken quite some trips haha.

    Oh yeah love the suit/no suit and the ever looming threat of bears, leaving Matt quite aware work needs to be done, yet incapable of doing any. Until hes alone, at night with a “bear repellent” in the form of a homemade bomb haha. He’s a accident waiting to happen. No wonder he is alone in Browntown, and the next three cruds wont come, till he has left. 😂😂
    And the tear jerking farewell from Kenny, who really felt as part of the family, despite only being used to watch their dump, or get his own robbed. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Being that the show is so tainted with lies and half truths, I’ve relegated myself to not really believing anything presented on this program as actually happening. Tires, suits, Kenny and everything else is probably just a sham to get people to watch… Even Ami and her stage 3b cancer and therapy with chemo and such, is just a ploy to get us to watch how it all turns out.

    A couple of times I have said ‘enough, no more’, but always come back just so I can write about the silliness being portrayed by these idiotic bunch of losers. I even post my reviews on the official ‘Alaskan Bush People’ Twitter account, so they can see how I (and others) feel.

    Having a stick butter eating contest ? Wow, even loyal fans of the show must be shaking their heads…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m right there with you, man. I’m still not convinced she is sick. The way she is wheeled in front of the camera for a hoarse “m-m-more…” Just seems so damn obvious.
      And I would dare to say, it has been firmly established, that no one in that family has any shame whatsoever… 😂

      Like

  3. Great recaps! You watch the show so I don’t have to. Thanks. Love how Matt had no recollection of his injury in Brown Town since it really happened in Hoonah.

    Like

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