Before I start the recap, I want to clear up the Season #. I have called it season #5 because that is what I thought it was, no one ever said anything, but I noticed on the TV info it is called season #7. Another recapper calls it #7 also. I will continue to call it #5 and then correct it all later when the final 2 episodes air….
So let’s get on with it….
Bear and the girls are in Alaska on cleanup duty and instead of doing anything useful, they carve some words into a piece of wood and then lay gunpowder across it and ignite it and nail it to a tree… Big whoop…
We are again reminded that what we are about to see is unfolding in real time and it was all 9 weeks ago. In Browntown, Bear feels the unnatural urge to start a fire, but with a new twist, or an old trick, or something that was not made all that clear. He takes sap from a tree and loads it into a shotgun shell (?) and then starts an extreme fire. He can also carry the sap around with him and smell the sap from time to time to remind him of the Alaskan cult area. Last week we were sternly reminded of the danger of the ever present bears roaming around ready to attack anyone stupid enough to not packing a firearm, yet no one seems to be carrying any guns, at least not yet. Bear does some acrobatics around and over the extreme fire and then we head south to…
California…. Billy and Ami again remind us that Ami has some sort of cancer and they are at the treatment center evaluating the sick looking Ami. A nurse in a jogging outfit takes Ami’s blood pressure and everyone is amazed at the readout. They talk about starting chemo and radiation in the future and I just have to wonder, what in the hell are they waiting on ? I have had several relatives ( and myself ) sick with cancer, and the treatment started IMMEDIATELY. Any comments on this ? Anybody ?
Back in Browntown the kids are tearing down the greenhouse that never saw a plant once the whole time it was there. Bear goes extreme mode, punching the water as it comes out of the white containers. We are informed that the white containers are going to be left there for Kenny, the Hoonah town idiot, IF he wants them. So I gather if he doesn’t want them, they will just litter the landscape for the next several years…
Uh-Oh…. I can smell it and taste it and have a bad feeling in my gut……. yep, its FLASHBACK time in Browntown…. So get a refill on the coffee and check tomorrow’s weather on the phone and then….
In SoCal, the paid extras (stage names ‘Bill & Margaret’) posing as the Billy’s dear old friends show up and cry awhile and we get a glimpse of Billy’s Rolex on his left wrist. How much did that cost ? 250,000 salmon ? Oh brother… We are then treated to a scene of Gabe (his only appearance tonight), Matt and Bam sitting around on the porch while Ami tortures us with some goofy bush Gospel.
When I woke back up, the tiresome trio in Alaska are getting the porch swing down for a big surprise to take to their new home. FLASHBACK, short one this time, about the swing.
In California, paid extra Bill talks to bush extraordinaire Billy about their friend ‘Roger’, Roger has a place that…. That what ??? FLASHBACK again !!! Roger has a place (I’m hanging on every word here) that he might let Billy look at. Billy says he will think about it (sure he will, he has no where else to hang his hat) and drones on about how cool it would be to show the kids (middle aged adults) the ‘lower 48’. Do they think we are completely stupid ? They were in the 48 all season this year, several trips on other occasions and most probably have lived in the 48 most of their lives. OK, let it slide, take an Advil and continue the recap….
And what Alaskan Bush People episode is complete without the mean, brown, grizzly, teddy, attacking BEARS ??? Snowblind and Raincoat are wandering around on a path when they discover bear shit !!! In the woods !!! Snowflake pokes it with a stick while Raindrop looks around for the dangerous and sneaky bears. They pull out a pistol (there are the guns !) and they see one, you see it ? Over there ! Between the trees ! Sorry, I never did see the bear, but wait, we will show you a FLASHBACK of those scary bears doing nothing but eating some grass to drive home that there ARE SCARY BEARS HERE…
Final night at the cult headquarters is spent cooking hot dogs and smores and, oh shit, FLASHBACKS… In this scene Noah steps up to the plate and recites poetry, striking out completely. Sit down and shut up…
Speaking of the long lost nut job, Noah shows up driving a late 60’s Camaro into the scene. OK, I will go along with it, I’ve seen everything else these crazies do, why not this. Now we are told that he can fix any problems the car has, he already has fixed everything between Alaska and wherever he is being filmed. Oh and BTW, Noah is telling us this. Uh-huh… He gets back in the car and he is off again. I bet he drove 20 feet and stopped, the filming crew loaded the car on a trailer for future made up tall tales, and Noah got into his Winnebago, changed into shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, poured himself a gin and tonic, turned on the TV to HBO and loaded the bong. And just for laughs, I want to see him rebuild that Camaro’s tranny with a Leatherman™ tool and a 2 foot piece of wire…..
Will they please just leave !!! Bear and the girls are still slowly walking towards the beach saying goodbye when another FLASHBACK virus fills the screen. I hit all the buttons on the remote to make it go away and finally I must have hit the right button , back to real time 9 weeks ago as it happens now or something or another…. And by the way, the extreme Bear mentions that they are leaving the scene of their crimes exactly as they found it. This is where the soda came flying out of my mouth….
The Alaska kids are back in California, no one exploded their head this time around, thank God. Just in time for a FLASHBACK. Moving from one place to another blah blah blah.
Bear checks in on the brother no one else wants to talk to (Matt) and asks about his head. Bear starts searching Matt’s head for the imaginary injury and I swear I was reminded of two chimps checking each other for lice… hahahaha….They then reminisce about a sled ride some 25 years ago and bore everyone to tears. And photo FLASHBACK time….
Billy and Rainyday are cooking something for Ami and then off to the hospital to show off the girls newest fashion themes, Snowplow looks fabulous in cowgirl look while Rain is splendid in her mid SoCal outfit. More chemo news but no chemo yet…
Wait, back to Alaska one more time as the idiots plant a time capsule to commemorate their time in the cult. They put some feathers in a log and then climb in their brand new skiff with two outboards, and head out howling like looney asylum patients the whole way….
Billy proclaims we can’t live here in California (never does say why, they actually look comfortable), so out comes the maps and the most outlandish set up scene for this whole stupid series. Their so called friend ‘Roger’, has 40 acres he is giving away in Colorado they can live on !!! They finally said it, ‘COLORADO’ ! Bravo, and the Oscar goes to Billy for most ridiculous line ever spoken by a bum on a lame TV show.
So now, far from the trappings of modern society, the Browns take off to seek their new Browntown in Colorado… Oh dear God…
Ami says through her cancer pain, “Let’s go have some fun !”
And BTW, at some point Bam says they can’t live in the past, yet they seem to fill every episode with inane FLASHBACKS !!!
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