Aired 8-23-2017


  This is the season finale of the Brown family’s crazy ass move from the wilds of Alaska to the wilds of California to the wilds of Colorado. The narrator still says, ‘Far from civilization’ and ‘Deep in the Alaskan bush’ when everybody and their dog knows its about as wild in SoCal and Colorado as a trip to the neighborhood grocer. So with that in mind we venture forth into a two hour special with the primary focus this season on 1) Ami is sick with cancer and needs desperate treatment in the lower 48, forcing them to relocate out of Alaska for good. Of course, no mention is made of why treatment was not sought in Alaska. Makes you wonder what happens to all the sick Alaskans with cancer, do they get sent south also ? Never mind… 2) The whole Ami is sick is tied in with the finding a new Browntown in Colorado, mentioned many times and hinted at several hundred times in the previous episodes. 3) The many times we were shown the head of Matt exploding in the remote B-town with no one around, and then more camera angles than a Trump rally being shown on CNN… So these were the basic premises and they were fulfilled albeit in a slo mo and roundabout way….

     Scene one and ACTION !!!  Get Mr Cupcake the textile dog into the vehicle before he escapes to somewhere (anywhere but here) else… Mission accomplished I suppose (???)

     Cue titles… Still unfolding in real (as opposed to fake) time, and it is now 8 weeks ago. Time sure passes slow when you are in a cult… And now the star of tonight’s show, the absolute strangest, but most awesome and extreme Alaskan to ever go south, Mr Bear Brown and his dementia, enters stage left and is throwing sticks at a piece of styrofoam, and calls it a new game to be enjoyed by all. Bam calls his bluff and the scene mercifully ends on that note… The scene then shifts into talking head mode as the cultists give their inane views on why SoCal sucks, can’t start a fire (which you actually can, I checked), no trees to climb (actually there are, I checked), too many people (which uncannily we never, ever, see anyone else), and on and on…

    Ami and Billy are on the bed with the kids as they look for Colorado on the map, most folks today use Google maps, but these are the Browns, and they are stuck in the 18th century, and remind us that they left civilization behind. As they comb through the old maps, the kids speak in an almost alien language, in a gravelly low growl, that they obviously were coached in their latest voice lesson in town.

   FLASHBACKS !!! ….. of ….. Alaska…. Who would have thought ? Sweep the film up off the floor, check the litterbins for unused ‘never before seen’ footage and let’s go wild tonite with flashbacks…  Bam says with a straight face that we must never look backward, always forward, and then starts talking about scenes in flashbacks, oh brother… He mentions a lot of stuff including the “freedom to be bush people”, which includes speaking scripted lines and standing on the mark while the cameras and sound get set up, and what the hell is he still doing there anyway, don’t they miss him in his job back in The Home Depot as a shelf stocker ?

     In the most confusing scene of the night (and there are many), Matt makes a PBJ sandwich with a burning sword as a prop, he had to have been watching the latest ‘Game of Thrones’, right ?

     Ami is shown babbling on about meeting her dream guy (yes, Billy, not someone, anyone, else) in the Rockies and we are off to FLASHBACKS !!!  Watch as Bear rides ‘Ole Blue’ (a stupid bull riding get up he built), ‘these were in every country bar in the USA’, he explains. How does he know ? He has been in the Alaskan bush country the last 30 years…  What a jerk…

     Ami is still pouring over a map of Colorado (or Australia, she probably wouldn’t know the difference), when we spot Billy’s Rolex for the first time. I won the bet here at home, ‘saw Billy’s Rolex in the first 15 minutes’, my wife said 26 minutes, pay up girl !!! Snowplow makes an appearance next to the bed in her new fashion statement of the week, last week was ‘Cowgirl Chic’, this week is ‘Colorado Chronic Trailer Trash Elite’, very smart !!!!

    Someone (who I could just shoot) brings up the Integrity, and we are off to FLASHBACKS  !!! of that stupid boat…

    Back in semi reality, Gabe makes a rare appearance in the show and asks if he can dig a hole, and then is escorted back to his hotel (sanitarian) to await further casting calls. Snowflake and Raincoat feed the peacock that the producers have rented, and then Matt and the returned Gabe, discuss going to walk on a trail they saw. But wait, the trail has a fence, and that is against bush code or something so the plan is discarded, and Gabe is laced back up in his ‘jacket’ and returned for ‘rest’.

      FLASHBACKS !!! of hunting deer and more deer…

     “The vast backwoods of Colorado will test the Brown’s ability to adapt !!!”. The narrator actually said this, I had to laugh. Adapt to what ? Finding the quickest route to Wal Mart so Snow can get to work on time… Wow, what bullshit… And…………

     FLASHBACKS !!!! Matt makes some useless antler cabinet knobs (for the meth house in B-Town) that most likely fell off within the hour.

     Bear in SoCal is making a hammock that he then pokes holes in with a kitchen knife and it makes truly, absolutely no sense whatsoever. Adds nothing to the narrative, and I suspect that this show was 15 minutes long before they padded it with his crap scenes. He now says he is stuck in LA and ready for a blank slate, to match his head…

     OMG… FLASHBACKS !!! Lessons learned in Alaska… and soon forgotten….

     Snowcone and Bear are in the oppressive heat (get ready for the oppressive heat), playing with a cat. Bear is now in the kitchen with the ever available paid extra, ‘Margaret Fuller’, as she makes her smash hit, extra extremely, tasty, Southwest, big demand edible treat – ‘Texas Trash’. Oh yum, sounds so good. And all it is, is some Goldfish crackers and Corn Chex in a bowl. No one else will touch it, so they give it to Ami, who probably gave it to the dog when Margaret and Bear left to have an affair in the hot tub.

     FLASHBACK !!!!  Anniversery  party for Ami and Billy in Alaska with torches and town bought goodies spread out around a campfire…

     ‘8 Weeks ago’ we are told, Bear is doin the dishes and takin out the trash, lots and lots of trash (???), then doing his bush workout on the porch as we watch.

     FLASHBACKS !!!! Ami, cancer, blah blah blah…. Heard it all before…

    Last week we are told that ‘Roger’ (dear old friend), has 40 acres of land to ‘use’ in Colorado, this week it is 40 acres of land for sale, no ‘Roger’ anymore. He must have backed out of his contract due to his upcoming walk in scene in ‘Illinois City People’…

     Road Trip With The Alaskan Bush People And The Cancer Lady !!! Let’s head to Colorado to check out the new homestead and cult site !!! We are all excited as they pack up and are ready to go, but worried that a record heatwave that has hit the Southwest will be a downer… No bush backpacks and clothes stuffed in plastic bags this time around, nice, brand new luggage is pulled out, and after an hour of relentless drudgery, they finally make it to the bottom of their driveway !!!! 

     Nice RV, a ‘Coachman Freeloader’ (I can’t take credit for that, my wife laughed as she said it). A view inside, at the start of the trip, is shown looking down, and the stuff in the sink is blurred out. ??? Why ???  What could possibly be in the sink that we are not allowed to see ? Again, my wife says, ‘the ashtrays’. Bravo Sweetheart, I may have to turn this recap business over to her !!!

     800 miles, 3 days, in the RV, so damn hot the birds are falling out of the sky, someone asks, ‘Should we shave the pets ?’… Please, shave the pets. Rolling into Las Vegas the ignorant imbeciles all act amazed, and confused by the big city, they are bewildered by the pyramids and the Eiffel tower that is there. Then they start the complaints about the heat, everyone watching the show must have groaned out loud as we did, “Turn on the AC you morons” !!!

     FLASHBACKS !!!!  Last season’s disastrous RV trip…  

     They decide to stop for the night in a hotel to let Ami rest comfortably because the so called leader can’t prepare the RV enough to make sure that they are comfortable. Next morning the idiots head back out, Ami is now in a wheelchair and it is HOT HOT HOT !!! 120º + temps, the roads are melting and trees are catching on fire as you watch them, awful, just awful… Yet these moronic brain dead churls are dressed in jeans, tee shirts with a long sleeve shirt over that, Ami has a sweater on for Christ sakes. Bear is so hot he is ready to die a quick death, that he jumps into the pool fully clothed, and still is suffering from internal brain damage heat…

    Ami needs to pull over soon enough to shoot up some painkillers, and we see unknown individuals roaming around the RV like they own it. Never explained… Back on road in Utah, the Mormons send out a Brown alert, and Bear is shown with Snowball frying eggs on the roof of the RV, it must be hot, they just proved it ! Then some water balloon nonsense, not hot anymore, they all lived unfortunately…

     The Browns land in Colorado, check into a hotel, but wait, all is not well in the cult dynamics. Gabe is wanting to be left alone, Gabe is in a funk, Gabe discovered ‘Sour Diesel’,  its engaging cerebral energy is a perfect choice for getting outside and staying active, and in a state with so much outdoor recreation to enjoy, it makes sense that Sour Diesel has maintained its demand in Colorado. That, and he finally discovered a loophole in his contract, that says he actually doesn’t have to pretend to be part of a family of complete creeptoids, and that he can walk away whenever he wants… FREEDOM !!!

     FLASHBACK !!!!   Gabe….of course…

     It is told Noah is on the way, and by God, there he is, right on cue. He gives Ami a cancer support teddy bear which she treasures for the rest of the scene, and then Noah reads from the script a barely understandable, garbled speech about something. 

     Finally arriving in new Browntown filming location. 40 acres. I am wondering how much this costs ? 750,000, 1,250,000, 1,500,000 pounds of salmon or what ? Time to start destroying the land as Bear is tearing at the fauna, banging the trees with his fists. Matt makes a useless trap for grasshoppers, so he can catch them and eat them, he finally throws the stupid trap away and grabs them by hand like most normal folks would, and eats a grasshopper, like most normal folks would not do…

     Snowblind and Raindrop wander off and discuss building their own place, far from the family, but they are so hard to understand that they needed subtitles, and even then it wasn’t worth turning on the close captioning. Bear and Noah are walking around and, wait, what is that ? OMG IT IS A BEAR !!!! One of the trained, senile, toothless, clawless, drugged up bears from Alaska has followed them to Colorado, and the mighty Bear Brown saves the day by shouting at it till it leaves. Of course, rewind the scene, and you see that the bear and the Bear are never actually in the same shot, so the conclusion is that the scene was completely made up.

     Matt is up next with his scene holding a tree branch and calling it a spear, and wrapping some poison oak around his wrist and calling it camo… sad, really sad…

    Noah and Bam now walking around and Noah makes a big announcement, he just may leave !!! Uh-0h, what will the rest of them have to say about that ? Under the tree, Billy and Ami ask the kids if they remember the story of the ‘Legend of Colorado’. ‘A thousand times’ they say, Billy met Ami and blah blah blah… If they heard it a 1000 times, how come we never did ? We have been watching this shit show forever, and I can’t say I ever remember once the ridiculous story when Billy kidnapped Ami in Colorado…

     Cue the sad music and Noah explains that maybe he doesn’t belong in Colorado… whatever… He says he wants to be a sheriff in a small town or a cop… uh-huh… No formal education, no military experience, stupid as an Alaskan moose, and he wants to go into law enforcement. 10 to 1 says he leaves and is made supervisor of a McDonalds parking lot cleaning crew of one.

    So Bam seems to be back in show… Noah is splitting for the golden arches…. Gabe found the best green he’s ever seen…Ami is near death…Bear is still retarded… Billy is , well, Billy…

    A short thank you from the Browns to us for prayers and support… I tried to figure out who they meant, surely not me, my only prayers were to see Matt blow himself up every show, Bear to be mauled by a bear, Noah to invent something to make him look less ignorant, and the girls to run away while Billy and Ami stared bleary eyed at milk cartons  with their pictures on them. 

         MORE…. or less

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9 thoughts on “Episode #8 & #9 ‘Blazing a New Trail’

  1. You forgot the most idiotic closing statement, maybe you missed it? They ended the show with “Back in CA Ami starts her treatments.

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  2. Thanks for the comment ! They did keep mentioning throughout their little trip thru hell, that they were just ‘checking’ out the Colorado property. I thought that it was a given that Billy and crew were heading back to SoCal for Ami’s treatments…

    I did see it, I just assumed it was a teaser for us to watch next season…

    I guess I could have mentioned it though…

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  3. If you think it is such a bad show….why do you keep watching it!!! Leave them alone and those of us that love the show!! Get a life and stop the negativity!! Be happy!! And let others be happy too!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I never said it is a bad show…. In fact, I think it was a great concept, a family that lives off the grid in the wilds of Alaska, after I saw the ads for the show, I have watched from the very beginning. I stated so much on the page ‘Alaskan Bush people’ on this website… click here to view it ( or copy and paste, however it works).

    https://realityobserver.wordpress.com/alaskan-bush-people/

    Why do I keep watching it ? Because I love the show, it is done in such a way that it holds your attention and at the same time suspends your belief in reality. I love the show, I really do, it is so much fun to relate to in a comedic sort of way. Let’s face it, if the show or the family wants to be taken seriously, they are simply going about it the wrong way. If this is a true depiction of this family, why all the holes in the plot ? Why the incredible bad acting ? Why the obvious lies being told to support the show ? I know why, NO ONE wants to watch a family going about their business in a matter of fact way. The writers, producers, advertisers, crew and cast do their utmost to present something to watch, that holds the audience’s attention. Watching Billy scratch his butt while sitting around a campfire with a bunch of uneducated kids in nowhere Alaska is not going to be watched…. You need drama, action, plots, colorful people, even if it means making stuff up, you have heard of fiction, taking liberties…

    I am leaving them alone, I don’t ring their doorbell, I don’t call them on their iPhones (that they claim they don’t own), I don’t write them letters demanding them to come straight with the truth… And I don’t write or call or bother the people who think that what they are seeing is the honest to God truth either ( you know…you). If you don’t like my point of view, stay off my website, no one forced you to read my opinion. If that isn’t possible, do some research on the Browns, and you will discover that everything you see is not on the up and up. Like I did. Maybe you will see things differently than through rose colored glasses…

    I have a life (boring but acceptable), I’m not being negative, just expressing my rights like the Bill of Rights 1st Amendment says I can, just like the producers, writers, advertisers, crew and cast of Alaskan Bush People can express their rights to freedom of speech. Negativity ? I would have to say critical review…. EXTREME critical review, hahahaha.

    I am happy, to do as I please, and I do… And I am in no way obstructing anyone from enjoying their happiness either. If my opinion of a basic cable TV show makes you unhappy or uneasy or sad or whatever, a simple click on a mouse to someplace else is the easiest way to remedy that unfortunate situation…

    I could delete your comment to the trash, but I believe that you, and anyone else who wants to comment, the right to be heard.

    more…..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I could not have said it better Myself!! Very true words indeed, man. I recognize a few of us who dont believe two seconds of the show to be real on different sites and forums, and none of us have ever (to my knowledge) gone onto a abp fanpage and chastised or tried to “enlighten” them. To each their own, right. Its a pretty free world after all. 😊👍🏻 And great recap as always. 😎👍🏻👍🏻

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, those poor souls who actually think all of this true are free to come here and comment, but for the life of me, do they really think that this is the truth with the Brown family ? They may be mad at me for writing stuff while Ami does seem to have medical issues, but then again, I really try to stay away from that plot in the show. Now for the sake of argument, I do post a link to my reviews and my You Tube videos on their Twitter accounts, and I am sure the negative comment came from there, hell it was probably one of the family themselves.

        Oh Well…

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Great recap.
    The Browns are about as charming as carnival carneys and as honest as a Morrocan camel salesman.

    My 2¢…
    Gabe appears to come to his senses and wants to end the mindless facade.
    NoDuh is setting himself up as an adult entertainment manager, “Rhain-maker” will be his star attraction.
    Bore is the type of idiot that used to be institutionalized, or placed in a burlap bag and tossed in the river. Jethro Bodine is an Rhodes scholar compared to bore.

    Thanks again for keeping us entertained.

    Liked by 1 person

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