The Cow and The Hunt s 04-ep 01



Welcome back to yet another rancid season of the Brown family and their incredibly shot full of holes story of survival in the Alaskan wilderness…

We start the season with a haircut, using trash bags from the local store as a sheet to catch the hair, uh-huh… some wilderness…

Recap time now for all those that forgot how rough and tough it is in Alaska, harvest carrots and zucchini, homeschool with sticks and rocks in the dirt, horrible winters, we don’t know what a World Series is, who is Rihanna, Seth Curry – never heard of ‘im !!! We get it, for the hundredth time, you live like bums far, far away and are totally unconnected with modern culture (except of course the one thing that modern culture feeds off these days – reality shows – and you idiots are the stars).

MATT IS BACK !!!! But didn’t he return in the Christmas show a couple weeks ago ??? How many times does he return ??? Then we are subjected to the deep feelings Matt has for life, and the turn of events life changes that a fall down drunk has after being forced into a rehab center and fighting hallucinatory demons… Billy says last year was worst year of their life and now time to get back to bush, aren’t they in the bush already ???

Let’s go crab fishing and… that’s it, we don’t get to see the magic of a caught crab or a crab dinner feast, guess that shot just didn’t pan out…

Billy once again tells us it’s a tough year, gone all the time (yeah, in jail, excuse me, home detention in someone else’s home)… But wait !!! Some gullible friends have a cow for sale and we are going to be a dairy farm now… So now let’s talk MILK !!! Milk is good, can’t wait for milk, milk is healthy !!! Makes you wonder what they have been drinking for the last 34 years… Matt is back 5 minutes and misses his family so much and… now wants to be alone in the woods hunting, the others say it is for the best and he starts packing everything he needs for a hunt, fishing pole, tarp, ready, let’s go… When he says goodbye to weeping Ami, she says you can’t be alone in the woods hunting without this, and then proceeds to hand him a rifle (‘just in case’ she says), good God, are they serious ??? And they both had a straight face saying these ridiculous lines…

So now the thin plot unfolds, Matt alone in the wild forest with a five man filming and production crew… Ami , Gabe and Noah at the slum, building cow fencing… and the other ‘sailors’ out on the high seas… Let me guess, trouble is brewing just around the corner, and I am right…

Two seconds into the boat trip, a radio transmission between two other boaters warns of terrible storms heading their way and head for high ground and shelter. Doesn’t that same radio have a weather channel tuned in somewhere (and especially in Alaska) to warn all boaters of bad weather conditions ? I mean like any weather conditions… Wouldn’t all boaters check the weather first before heading out into the great unknown of Port Frederick…

Regardless, now Ole Bill must now tell us all about the dangers and hidden pitfalls that the Browns must endure in the bush and wilderness of Alaska (for the hundredth time)… While the gale force winds and 30 foot waves crash all around, extreme Bear is in his extreme mode, climbing atop the mast and howling, didn’t we just see a shot of a huge lightning bolt thundering down into the water ??? Would I want to be on that mast while that was going on ???

Matt can’t get the deer he has spotted, he shows us some sign language BS that means ‘DEER AHEAD’ and questions his purpose in life…

On the Titanic they forgot to bring any food to eat, hey it was supposed to be a three hour cruise, now they are anchored in a bay in a leaking 1940 war surplus wreck starving to death.. will they survive ???

Gabe helps crazy Ami make a mayonnaise candle… She tells us that it is a ‘symbol of hope’ and that ‘it shines the way’ … Yeah, I’ll write that down and pass it on to my grandkids…

Now back and forth shots of the boat and impending doom, and Matt in the tree fall center zone…It is looking really bad and cut to commercial…

Next morning we see they all escaped certain death for the millionth time, the boat is afloat and steaming towards Hoonah, Matt is still alive but the Meth shack in Browntown has suffered a tree attack in the storm… And, the way they filmed all the fallen trees, I was left wondering if any trees had survived the storm of storms… Now back home with the cow and Billy starts waxing philosophical on bush life again… We see this every time, start a fire/ talk bush life, cut a tree/ talk about bush life, raise a bunch of retarded children/talk bush life…every time…

How do you rescue a meth shack under a tree ? Get out the handy cannon and blast the *beep* away !!! And they make it seem like it makes sense…

WAIT !!! MATT SEES A DEER !!! BANG !!! DRUMS BEATING !!! MATT PANTING !!!! BANG AGAIN !!! nope, missed…. Blame the gun, blame the weather, blame the friggin deer… Now sad music plays as Matt is dealt the reality he must forever endure, he is a worthless deer hunter and what else ??? Can’t start a fire ? Can’t howl at the moon ?

The cow is forced to endure the stares and humiliation of being part of the Brown clan, and Bill still won’t shut up about the rigors and self sufficient lifestyle he and his family have survived. Yet he leaves out the residence in the lower 48, the paycheck from the discovery channel every week, the trips to Hawaii and beyond and all the other crap that makes this show completely fake…

Matt is resigned to stay in forest and ponder life’s trials and tribulations….

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